Criteria for LOSER drunk

Wicker and I have decided that it would be a good idea not to get 'Loser Drunk' so often. we decided this over breakfast the other day, this was after we both awoke up side down on Tom's sofa at 6 that morning - a sofa that is literally less than 100 meters from my flat. Obviously we are not giving up being loser drunk ever, that would be ridiculous, but we will try to bring it down to an acceptable level like once a week. Well, at first, you know - one step at a time Martin - with a view to reducing this to once a month over the course of teh year.

We established the following as FAIL criteria for 'Loser Drunk':

• If we wake up next to each other
• If you wake up:
  • not at home but near to home
  • outside
  • on the sofa
  • on the floor
  • in your clothes
  • in prison
  • somewhere weird
• Any holes in clothes - specifically tights
• Evidence of cooking in the kitchen - or suggestions of weird snack consumption e.g. an explosion of the wrappers of a whole pack of seafood sticks all over the kitchen
• Self sustained injury - such as a grazed knee or weird bruises
• Any pen on your face or anything written on you that is not a phone number of someone whose face you can describe
• Evidence of Dixy - or any fast food for that matter but the slightest whiff of Dixy Chicken renders the purchaser an instant LOSER
• Repitition of full conversation - from the previous night if less than three lines are repeated the first person to realise is not a loser if the conversation goes as far as four lines we both, are LOSERS
• Memory Blank - that has not returned within two hours of being awake
• Falling out of a window - e.g. Wicker out of the Hogg's Head on Chrismas Eve
• Inappropiate sexy intercourse - e.g. friend or colleague
• Excess money on your person - >£10 in coins OR > £200 folding currency
• Being sick anywhere
• Falling asleep on public transport
• If you didn't realise you were being a dick until someone told you to stop being a dick
  OR
• You couldn't stop yourself being a dick and had to ask someone to stop you being a dick
• If someone told you to:
  • stop shouting
  • go home
• If someone tells you you smell of booze the next day
• If you heard people plotting to take you home