Dear Janit

Submitted by crispi on Tue, 15/01/2008 - 12:42

Last night I found an old notebook of mine - It contains a series of letters I wrote to my cat, Janit (sometimes she is also called Janet, sometimes Jane and occasionally Juanita) she is black and white and lazy and fat. These letters were written in a time before she was 'space hopper fat' as she is now but was already displaying signs of acute laziness and nonchalance, back around the turn of the millennia.

Tags >

the first one

Submitted by crispi on Tue, 15/01/2008 - 13:15

Dear Janit,

Just because I leave my room it doesn't mean that you are going to be fed - you must try and find some other interests in your life beyond food or risk treading the path to a tubby malcontent who can only find solace in biscuits. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored if you caught some mice instead of sitting about looking at the cooker all day like a big lazy sack of whirring unconditional indifference.

Love from Crispin x

P.S. I am writing with concern and only have your well being at heart, I thought that my being blunt would be the most effective way to offer some constructive advice.

Tags >

Flies

Submitted by crispi on Sat, 23/02/2008 - 17:45

Dear Janet

Why don't you at least have a go at killing a fly? Yesterday i watched you for some time and drew the conclusion that it is beyond your capabilities to kill something just by glaring at it and changing the shape of your pupils. I would be grateful if you would put a lit;e more practice into this particular aspect of 'cat' or I might have to reconsider your position of executive in charge of executions (insect and rodent division).

Kind Regards

Crispin

Tags >

hiding

Submitted by crispi on Sat, 23/02/2008 - 18:03

Dear Janet

I think it is a shame that you run away and hide when I return home really drunk with half the pub in tow. I can assure you that they are all stirling fellows who would be charmed, I'm sure, with your presence. You might learn a thing or two from our eloquent discourse and witty banter that, if a little loud, is always of the caliber usually reserved for radio 4. I look foward to introducing you at the next occurance of this impromptu soirée.

love from

Crispin

Tags >

Time Management

Submitted by crispi on Sat, 23/02/2008 - 18:43

Dear Janet

I feel that there are certain aspects of 'Cat' that could be improved. This is not a personal jibe at you in particular, more of a casual observance of your species as a whole. I am referring, in particular, to time management. I realise that the domestic cat is a beast of leisure but I am pained to point out that it really has gone too far. When you can't think of anything to do (which I add in your case is becoming increasingly often) don't just sit there and look at the wall, read a book or watch some telly at least - or something.

love from

Crispin

Tags >

Dont jump on the bed

Submitted by crispi on Sat, 23/02/2008 - 18:57

Dear Janet

Please refrain from jumping on the bed if I am reading or have just read a ghost story. It is by no manner funny and exposes a dark underbelly of your personality as you rejoice in the fear of another. Also, it means that I do not sleep well and consequently get up late so you have to wait longer for your breakfast.

love from

Crispin

Tags >

For Reference

Submitted by crispi on Wed, 27/02/2008 - 20:58

Dear Janet

Please find enclosed two pictures for your attention:

Picture A is a mouse (Mus musculus)

Picture B is a human big toe (mine)

I am providing these as a resource for you to keep, please feel free to refer to the pictures at any time, in particular the sort of time you feel like putting your claws into something.

I have labelled the pictures

  • A – Acceptable
  • B – Unacceptable.

I hope this helps

Love from

Tags >

Courtesy

Submitted by crispi on Wed, 27/02/2008 - 21:01

Dear Janet

I was wondering if you would do me the courtesy of at least pretending to be impressed when I give you a treat. It is a well-known fact that all cats like milk and cream and fish. You are not an exception and your charade does nothing for you and little to address your continued tendency toward undignified nonchalance. You’re like an adolescent hell bent on apathy with an appetite for indifference that is unmatched in polite society.

Love always

Crispin

Tags >

The Present

Submitted by crispi on Wed, 27/02/2008 - 21:03

Dear Janet

Please accept my warmest appreciation and heartiest congratulations on the slaying of that mouse. By my reckoning it is your first confirmed kill in almost twenty months. I was overjoyed that you refrained form eating it and instead left it for me as a present and I hereby accept full liability for leaving my new white (Paul Smith) T-shirt in such a ridiculous and irresponsible place as I did on the floor beside my bed. I would, however, like to request that if you intend to repeat the practice that you leave any cadavers, dismembered or otherwise, on a tissue instead of on my clothes and also that, if it is no trouble,

Tags >

Agoraphobia

Submitted by crispi on Tue, 25/03/2008 - 22:58

Dear Janet

I am very pleased with your progress in combating your agoraphobia. It is with this in mind that I feel I must apologise and explain my actions this morning. I can’t tell you how encouraged by your repeated requests to be let out of the window this morning and refused only on some misleading advice from that hungry looking woman who does the weather on morning T.V. That purjurous cow swore blind that it would rain all day and now I am sure you can imagine my guilt and disappointment as I look at the blue cloudless sky and think of you all cooped up in the flat thinking of the myriad ways you can sulk at me upon my return. I can assure you that it was my belief that putting you out in the rain all day would only serve to

Tags >