Popular content
Good morning blog
hello blog, I am writing to you as there is absolutely fuck all else to do.
This morning I have got up very early to go to 'boot camp' with Wicker - this is a very fashionable thing to do, I have read about it in gossip magazines. By all accounts it is running and jumping around Highbury Fields at 6:20 in the morning with a few like minded fashionable girls being chased and shouted at by one really tough woman, I imagine it's a lot like the end of a Benny Hill episode and a little bit like the beginning of Full Metal Jacket.
howevs > after I have rolled my sorry self out of bed at ten to cocking six in the morning (Janit is well confused - she thinks i must be going on holiday or something), had a little bird bath, put clothes on and generally woken my self right up - the shouty lady in charge sends wicker a text to say there is no boot camp this morning because it is raining (fyi it is not raining in Stoke Newington so I very much fucking doubt it is raining in Highbury Fields - well it is raining a little bit but it's not really raining - in my opinion it's not raining unless you can hear that it is raining).
So here I find myself: wide awake and pottering around the house at 6:30 in the morning... I don't have to leave for work for three hours so just what the fuck am i supposed to do? > ... I have ended up trying to do everything really slowly and carefully to waste time - like separating tea bags before putting them in the caddy, actually watching the tea brew, opening the scots porridge oats properly like the instructions say instead of just rippin it open to confirm that it does not 'easily close again' if you do it like what it says (managing to stop myself from getting a stanley blade 'to really do it properly' OH EM GEE > OH SEE DEE) and then write a blog about it.
welcome to my amazing life
The Plumber's tap - worst blog ever
so, a couple of weeks back i had a looksy at my blog > it's shit. It's the plumbers tap what always drips ~ I'm (by all accounts) a 'web professional' so it is daft that my personal blog should be a such a limp cock, it's rubbish, it's the worst blog ever, it's full of links to god knows what, bollocky, irrelevant secondary content, voting buttons and little adverts for blog directories that i signed up to in some vain and vain attempt to drive people to read my shit by following some tosser's 10 things to do to get your blog noticed. It's got stupid widgets that make people's browsers hang and crash and it's still run on Drupal 5, eighteen months after the upgrade was released.
Pumped after inspiration from think visibility > and reading this post from Tom Smith's the other blog, coupled with the shock of over a hundred visitors in one day (oh em gee) instead of the usual eight or so, I set to it. Tom asked himself what makes a good blog >
"I think that the best blogs are ones that, like a film, or like an elevator pitch for a film, tells a story or at least starts a story, or even better an Impossible Quest. A memorable blog has built into its concept a trajectory - it’s going somewhere!"
Well that's me fucked then > So then i did some extensive research on the first result on page 1 of google search for 'what makes a great blog' and started reading this post but it was about writing and engaging with the audience and i got bored and went and did something else for a bit.
Then i thought fuck it > Sink the Rock is just a collection of shit, a record of stuff, it doesn't sell anything or even need to be read. It's mine, it's my journal, it's my record, it's my football and I'm going home.
So I re-un-designed it > I upgraded it to Drupal 6 (at last), got rid of all the voting and ranking bullshit and widgets and extra shite popped in a vanity block for most read content and bob's yer pervy uncle this is what is left.
ah sure would 'preciate some comments from y'all... > too stark? - anything i should add? or take away?
Criteria for LOSER drunk
Wicker and I have decided that it would be a good idea not to get 'Loser Drunk' so often. we decided this over breakfast the other day, this was after we both awoke up side down on Tom's sofa at 6 that morning - a sofa that is literally less than 100 meters from my flat. Obviously we are not giving up being loser drunk ever, that would be ridiculous, but we will try to bring it down to an acceptable level like once a week. Well, at first, you know - one step at a time Martin - with a view to reducing this to once a month over the course of teh year.
We established the following as FAIL criteria for 'Loser Drunk':
- If we wake up next to each other
- If you wake up:
- not at home but near to home
- outside
- on the sofa
- on the floor
- in your clothes
- in prison
- somewhere weird
- Any holes in clothes - specifically tights
- Evidence of cooking in the kitchen - or suggestions of weird snack consumption e.g. an explosion of the wrappers of a whole pack of seafood sticks all over the kitchen
- Self sustained injury - such as a grazed knee or weird bruises
- Any pen on your face or anything written on you that is not a phone number of someone whose face you can describe
- Evidence of Dixy - or any fast food for that matter but the slightest whiff of Dixy Chicken renders the purchaser an instant LOSER
- Repitition of full conversation - from the previous night if less than three lines are repeated the first person to realise is not a loser if the conversation goes as far as four lines we both, are LOSERS
- Memory Blank - that has not returned within two hours of being awake
- Falling out of a window - e.g. Wicker out of the Hogg's Head on Chrismas Eve
- Inappropiate sexy intercourse - e.g. friend or colleague
- Excess money on your person - >£10 in coins OR > £200 folding currency
- Being sick anywhere
- Falling asleep on public transport
- If you didn't realise you were being a dick until someone told you to stop being a dick
OR - You couldn't stop yourself being a dick and had to ask someone to stop you being a dick
- If someone told you to:
- stop shouting
- go home
- If someone tells you you smell of booze the next day
- If you heard people plotting to take you home
Think Visibility conference ~ I went up norf innit
So i went to Leeds on Saturday to go to this web conference - it were well good > thanks @Thehodge and http://www.thinkvisibility.com/ met interesting people, learnt stuff, ate pizza, drank beer > tick tick tick and tick ~ what's the story?
This is the story:
Woke up at half five still pissed up from the night before, rolled out the door forgetting to fill my pockets with bidnis cards or eat or drink anything and cycled off to Kings x where i was greeted by a toad dressed up as a ticket guard who wouldn't let me get on the train until i went and got a special ticket for my bike instead of a coffee > as if to prove what an evil bitch he was he didn't even check the ticket when i got back.
I tried to have a little kip on the train but there were these two posh kids telling each other about their amazing university lives really loud sat on the table across - one of them actually said: 'it reminds me of that time you rinsed out your fathers credit card at the golf club' and that began to roll around in my head like a wasp in the bedroom. They eventually fucked off though and i made it to Leeds with no further bother and 40 winks squeezed in.
I like Leeds, it's a bit cleaner than London and there is a bit more air in between things - also if you follow a sign it points to the thing it says it does - instead of leading a merry dance around the thing.
I have little interest in SEO (view my sauce) but Joost de Valk and Judith Lewis gave such good talks (and Judith chocklits) that I accidentally learned some interesting stuff, things that i will doubtless never put into practice on this blog but was interesting and well recieved none the less > Joost had a cool voice as well - he could start a sentence with a Dutch accent then go full English for the middle eight and end mid Atlantic but with a sprinkle of the odd word as Northern Irish > he told us *A SECRET* > and I am not telling ANY of you fuckers what it is. I saw some 'mazin demos of eye capture technology and usability studies from a fit lady called Fiona [edit - from Simple Usibility - cheers Dom ] > Tom Smith did a my favourite presentation on 'making social media suck less' with all hand drawn slides and diagrams (style and concepts that i will most likely be stealing in the very near future) AND I did pass up Rob Manuel's talk on sickipedia for a talk on corporate blogging from Karyn Fleeting because i am a fucking professional > that's right.
Most importantly I got to watch @juliansambles from the Telegraph die on his arse telling a room full of seo, very basically why seo was important and give a very boring, self congratulatory to the board style presentation explaining pretty much fuck all about what he did to optimise search results, proudly showing aged hand picked stats about how the Telegraph was AMAZING and sheepishly doing a swifty over his slides about how brilliant digg and voting sites were for seo when Joost had just exposed it as a bollock. HOOT
~ Also he seemed almost incapable of completing a sentence that did not contain the word 'guys' (more often than not preceded by the word 'hey') AND he had pink mum-jeans on with a shirt tucked in and nice school shoes liek a city exec in disguise when there is a soap dodger march on. OH I am being a cunt for fun - he wasn't that bad really > but he did keep talking right to the end so no one could ask him who he thought he was doing a presentation to or if he even knew that the Telegraph had been cained like a bitch by the Mail just because they have better celeb news. HELLOOOO LOVES - P.S. > anyone who thinks i think i can do better should read any previous posts where i have royally fucked up presentations and stood there, on stage, crying, in a puddle of my own piss.
Laters i went and talked about stalkers, fireworks and making unicycles for shaved pets in pizza express with me new twitterbuddies @AlCarlton (who sponsored the event with Conference Calendar) and @DanJHarrison (who makes cakes in difficult shapes).
Then i had to get the 8:15 train back because it was the last one - can you fucking believe that? last train on a Saturday night between 2 major cities is 8:15 -I didn't believe it - I says to the the ticket guy (in my best authoritative London tones) "Now, listen here my good man. I'll have none of your northern cheek, i must return to London later than this or i shall have to do the journey sober ...and none of us want that on our conscience do we?"
He said I could get Stellas on the train.
celebrity gossip quick! we are havin a partee (episode 28)
in our AMAZIN celebrity gossip podcast this week we are fucking with your minds > we did the podacast in the MORNING > usual Kater and peatee shit - they arguing about who is still in love with who now - THE COCKS > Micha Barton w. Canadian tux and Croyden facelift > Some them bitches all specially thin for London fashion week > Kimberly Walsh big curvy FACE > Amy Wineclaart's SICK faith healer weirdo Dr. Creepyhands > 2 in the goo one in the poo > £80 a week COKE HABIT > A well fat SEX kitten in lacey underwear > AND > A lady with a 20 STONE BUM > could you ask for more? could you? really? really really really?
Download/ play > The Crescent - Episode 28 (mp3)
Celeb Gossiping with Black Barbie
Gossip is the new black (Black Barbie that is) > Nate Lewin is on the sofa spittin out some proper bitchy shit about > La Roux and her daft Sporticus hair > Jordans fella - Alex Reid = worst tranny EVA > Nicola Roberts as The Corpse Bride > Posh spice ZERO CALORIE FISH AND CHIPS > facebook addict's kid asleeps in a plate of chips *bless* > Danni Minogue's botox *JUSTIFIED* > and SOMEONE needs to have a word with themselves about their top shop dress > Also I done a RAP in the style of Alisha Dixon and I tried to do a link at the end for The Red Rose Comedy Club but i fucked it up a bit so here is a link to thier facebook page:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=124486546840&ref=ts
OI > email us celeb stories and shit > crispin@sinktherock.org
If you believe in life after love - listen to this podcast.
Play > The Crescent - Episode 30 (mp3)
Download > The Crescent - Episode 30 (mp3)
ART
I like to look at art like I am looking at something very small that most people can only see with a visual aid. I like to maintain an uncomfortable pose bent from the hip with my mouth in my hand as if I am holding in the secret. I like to withdraw too fast for them to escape and make an offhand comment to a fellow enthusiast, one that will wobble them - 'My God, it looks like someone had a breakdown in Ikea' or 'I don't think I can cope with all this rage - do you have any heroin?' or 'hmmmmm... it's a little bit like being raped isn't it?'.
once I went to see some ART and they had an ART film on in a special blacked out room, when I arrived the film had just started and everyone was in the pitch black
the lady in charge said to me there are some seats over there >>
and did a gesture into the darkness with her torch
and then left me there in the dark, in the middle of the pitch black room with ART people on chairs all around me
tutting
because i was in the way
i cried
and my mum had to come and pick me up
Celebrity Gossip Gasbags - with Jim Fleeting (episode 33)
Joining us in our amazing lives this week is Jim Fleeting > we gasbagging all about X Factor, Dynamite SEX, Drugs and birthdays > ALSO > Cheryl FIGHTS for marriage as we reveal what the three little words are on the front of her Album > Amy Whineclaart's NEW BIG TITS > DAN-YLE starting on the Essex (god help him) > Fatterly Cassidy Happily Snackerly > REAL ACTUAL celeb story from Jim about Ulrika Johnson > YOU are the disablist one NOT ME > AND > Drugs ATE someone's face (don't worry they not famous person)...
I remembered to cue up a song this week as well - playing out w 'Animal Lover' by Hemme Fatale > only 30 seconds tho or the PRS motherfuckers will be on our case.
OH OH OH > here is the picture of Jordan's street wee puddle of piss that I refer to about 10 minutes in:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4458661&id=701205294
...and here is what is on at the Red Rose Comedy club this week:
DAVE THOMPSON, PAUL KERENSA, YIANNI AGISILAOU, mc: Mike O'Donovan
To be on it / in it next week > tag tweets with #celebz or email us > wicker@sinktherock.org or crispin@sinktherock.org
TTFN you beautiful, beautiful bastards x x x
Play > The Crescent - Episode 33 (mp3)
Download > The Crescent - Episode 33 (mp3)
Weekly celebrity gossip podcast - The Crescent
So I moved house
So I moved house, left the Frat House on Brodia Road and all my fraternity brothers behind to live like a grown up accepting responsibility for my own utility bills, washing up and missing socks, finally making an honest cat of Janet. She is, of course, here too, ending her days making a cuckold of me by purring on Corpsey’s lap while he ‘works from home’ or slutting it up on Adam’s bed while I drunkenly cry myself to sleep.
In between me viewing the property and moving in the landlords moved the walls making all the rooms in the flat approximately two feet smaller in all directions. They also interestingly put a shit old cooker in the kitchen three inches in front of one of the largest cupboards. Presumably I am supposed to keep spaghetti in there as that is the only thing I could possibly get out of the fucking gap – and only one portion at a time – which is convenient now I only cook for one.
I also very cleverly told the letting agents that I didn’t want them to supply me with a sofa or any tables or chairs as they looked like people of questionable taste. Consequently I was living here almost a week before I even got round to borrowing a chair from my sister so all I have been able to do in my new place is stand to attention surrounded by boxes of random old bollocks that I don’t know what to do with and a vast amount of over packaging from all the pots, pans, plates and shit that I had to buy. Luckily the majority of this time I spent drunk or elsewhere.
Janet has been demonstrating her appreciation of our new flat through the medium of ‘dirty protest’ – the first was nicely assembled in a towel I was using as a stand-in bath mat which resulted in me doing a big cartoon nudey grapple with the shower curtain as I was getting out the shower in an attempt not to stamp my niceandclean bare feet right in it - then two days later on the actual white bath mat I had bought (it really tied the room together).
Anyway I just gave Janet her flea treatment and now she is looking at me like I shat on her carpet.
The Rug
Dear Janit
I have it on good authority that while i was away last week you were caught thre times by Wicker 'Baking Brownies' on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.
I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.
I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.
Your adoring friend
Crispin
Tags >
