Popular content

Right oh so >> i got all jealous about everyone in the world being on Guardian Soulmates (popular UK Internet dating) just before crispmas so i did myself a profile - I was on it before a few years back but that didn't go down very well. I kept sending girls werido messages about shoes and ghosts when i was really pissed and no-one wanted to talk to me apart from one girl who was into tantric sex and wanked off horses for a living (100% TRUE FACT). In the end i had to get a date off match dot com by a girl who lied to me about her name and where she lived and was generally obtuse and hostile the whole time (although she was well fit)... we had a conversation that went like this >

me: right i think i might be off
her: why?
me: well i think we are stuggling to find some common ground
her: who is stuggeling? I'm not struggling
me: well I fucking am

tehn she insisted on buying another round and her being a bit nicer and me being a bit drunker lead to some sexeh tiem, so not a total disaster in the end.

blah blah blah this is not the story > the story is that i decided to put up the truth on my soulmates profile because everyone likes music and traveling and every fucker is fun loving and amiable in the mirror - so this is what i wrote:

Why should people get to know you?
...well in truth you probably shouldn't, I drink too much too often and routinely say things I don't mean just to provoke a reaction. I tell absurd lies constantly, though this is more a want than a compulsion. I can be lewd, brash, flippant, scathing, boring and cynical, I am always 10 minutes late for absolutely everything and I am a terrible show off - also, on Saturday, I told my niece I was texting Father Christmas about how naughty she was and then i pretended to throw her in a wheelie bin and she puked sweets out of her nose.

I am on this thing because I am nosey and vain, not because I am looking for a wife. Also I already went on a weird internet date a couple of years back so I pretty much have this whole thing ticked it off my life goals to do list.

Merry Christmas x

...i had 5 fans the next day so i hid the profile in panic haha I am such a pussy - still, looks like these guardian readers are literally fizzing at the bunghole for a bit of blunt honesty...

Dear Janet

My friend Toby told me of a dream he had where he was suddenly back in the computer shop in which he used to work but his name was Bob and he was turning the shop into a restaurant whose speciality was to be three metre long stewed eels and this was ‘London’s best kept secret’, although the critics did not agree.

The point of this letter is to demonstrate that, for all your idiosyncrasies, you still possess a stronger grip on the real world than some of my human friends.

Love from Crispin

P.S. I hope you at least dream about catching mice.

So i went to Leeds on Saturday to go to this web conference - it were well good > thanks @Thehodge and http://www.thinkvisibility.com/ met interesting people, learnt stuff, ate pizza, drank beer > tick tick tick and tick ~ what's the story?

This is the story:

Woke up at half five still pissed up from the night before, rolled out the door forgetting to fill my pockets with bidnis cards or eat or drink anything and cycled off to Kings x where i was greeted by a toad dressed up as a ticket guard who wouldn't let me get on the train until i went and got a special ticket for my bike instead of a coffee > as if to prove what an evil bitch he was he didn't even check the ticket when i got back.

I tried to have a little kip on the train but there were these two posh kids telling each other about their amazing university lives really loud sat on the table across - one of them actually said: 'it reminds me of that time you rinsed out your fathers credit card at the golf club' and that began to roll around in my head like a wasp in the bedroom. They eventually fucked off though and i made it to Leeds with no further bother and 40 winks squeezed in.

I like Leeds, it's a bit cleaner than London and there is a bit more air in between things - also if you follow a sign it points to the thing it says it does - instead of leading a merry dance around the thing.

I have little interest in SEO (view my sauce) but Joost de Valk and Judith Lewis gave such good talks (and Judith chocklits) that I accidentally learned some interesting stuff, things that i will doubtless never put into practice on this blog but was interesting and well recieved none the less > Joost had a cool voice as well - he could start a sentence with a Dutch accent then go full English for the middle eight and end mid Atlantic but with a sprinkle of the odd word as Northern Irish > he told us *A SECRET* > and I am not telling ANY of you fuckers what it is. I saw some 'mazin demos of eye capture technology and usability studies from a fit lady called Fiona [edit - from Simple Usibility - cheers Dom ] > Tom Smith did a my favourite presentation on 'making social media suck less' with all hand drawn slides and diagrams (style and concepts that i will most likely be stealing in the very near future) AND I did pass up Rob Manuel's talk on sickipedia for a talk on corporate blogging from Karyn Fleeting because i am a fucking professional > that's right.

Most importantly I got to watch @juliansambles from the Telegraph die on his arse telling a room full of seo, very basically why seo was important and give a very boring, self congratulatory to the board style presentation explaining pretty much fuck all about what he did to optimise search results, proudly showing aged hand picked stats about how the Telegraph was AMAZING and sheepishly doing a swifty over his slides about how brilliant digg and voting sites were for seo when Joost had just exposed it as a bollock. HOOT

~ Also he seemed almost incapable of completing a sentence that did not contain the word 'guys' (more often than not preceded by the word 'hey') AND he had pink mum-jeans on with a shirt tucked in and nice school shoes liek a city exec in disguise when there is a soap dodger march on. OH I am being a cunt for fun - he wasn't that bad really > but he did keep talking right to the end so no one could ask him who he thought he was doing a presentation to or if he even knew that the Telegraph had been cained like a bitch by the Mail just because they have better celeb news. HELLOOOO LOVES - P.S. > anyone who thinks i think i can do better should read any previous posts where i have royally fucked up presentations and stood there, on stage, crying, in a puddle of my own piss.

Laters i went and talked about stalkers, fireworks and making unicycles for shaved pets in pizza express with me new twitterbuddies @AlCarlton (who sponsored the event with Conference Calendar) and @DanJHarrison (who makes cakes in difficult shapes).

Then i had to get the 8:15 train back because it was the last one - can you fucking believe that? last train on a Saturday night between 2 major cities is 8:15 -I didn't believe it - I says to the the ticket guy (in my best authoritative London tones) "Now, listen here my good man. I'll have none of your northern cheek, i must return to London later than this or i shall have to do the journey sober ...and none of us want that on our conscience do we?"

He said I could get Stellas on the train.

Mark: wotcha

Crispin: hello duck

Mark:yo yo yo
wotcha up to?
anything new media tastic?

Crispin: oh you know
actually i am on the smeg dishwasher forum lol
trying to fix our dishwasher

Mark: hahahahahahah
i love you for admitting taht

Crispin: welcom to my amazing life

Mark: so amazing

Crispin: this is my fave bit of advixce so far:
open the door, switch it off, switch it on and immediately press the program button 4 times within 3 seconds.
wtf

Mark: does that give you unlimited ammo?

Crispin: properlol

Mark: or warp to the final level?

Crispin: ha

Mark: do you own it?

Crispin: nope

Mark: take a screwdriver to it and then call the landlord
he can get a cheap one in the sales

Crispin: yeh i tried that
she sent round 'tommy the sparky'
he said to be honest mate all i can do is confirm that it's recieving power
and it is
because this red light is flashin
cheers tommy
he is getting us a new hob in time for crispmas tho

Mark: bless
i do like your flat

Crispin: atm we have 2 settings
slighty warmer than the landlord's cold black heart
and
hotter and hotter and hotter

Mark: hah
do you want to see a really gay photo of me?

Crispin: one for grinder?

Mark: hah, no
from the office party

Crispin: yeh hit me

Mark: ok, but you can't send this on or ever use it against me
<<<LINK REMOVED>>>

Crispin: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Mark: super agy
gay
and showing off my gut

Crispin: you are so hot right now

Mark: hahaha
working that look

Crispin: i just tried the mystic smeg dishwasher lore
didn't work

Mark: quick, add that one to wikipedia
like th elie that otis lifts have a secret button combo to express your way past other floors without stopping

Crispin: lol yeh thanks for the tip dave

Mark: Lies, all lies!