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The Rug
Dear Janit
I have it on good authority that while i was away last week you were caught thre times by Wicker 'Baking Brownies' on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.
I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.
I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.
Your adoring friend
Crispin
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Dear Janit
Last night I found an old notebook of mine - It contains a series of letters I wrote to my cat, Janit (sometimes she is also called Janet, sometimes Jane and occasionally Juanita) she is black and white and lazy and fat. These letters were written in a time before she was 'space hopper fat' as she is now but was already displaying signs of acute laziness and nonchalance, back around the turn of the millennia.
This morning I woke to find that Janet had done a big sicky hairball on a pile of my work ties. As she managed to tarnish the majority of them I have no choice but to assume it a calculated act of malice, as punishment I will be posting the letters up here over the next few weeks...
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Guardian Soulwaste
Right oh so >> i got all jealous about everyone in the world being on Guardian Soulmates (popular UK Internet dating) just before crispmas so i did myself a profile - I was on it before a few years back but that didn't go down very well. I kept sending girls werido messages about shoes and ghosts when i was really pissed and no-one wanted to talk to me apart from one girl who was into tantric sex and wanked off horses for a living (100% TRUE FACT). In the end i had to get a date off match dot com by a girl who lied to me about her name and where she lived and was generally obtuse and hostile the whole time (although she was well fit)... we had a conversation that went like this >
me: right i think i might be off
her: why?
me: well i think we are stuggling to find some common ground
her: who is stuggeling? I'm not struggling
me: well I fucking am
tehn she insisted on buying another round and her being a bit nicer and me being a bit drunker lead to some sexeh tiem, so not a total disaster in the end.
blah blah blah this is not the story > the story is that i decided to put up the truth on my soulmates profile because everyone likes music and traveling and every fucker is fun loving and amiable in the mirror - so this is what i wrote:
Why should people get to know you?
...well in truth you probably shouldn't, I drink too much too often and routinely say things I don't mean just to provoke a reaction. I tell absurd lies constantly, though this is more a want than a compulsion. I can be lewd, brash, flippant, scathing, boring and cynical, I am always 10 minutes late for absolutely everything and I am a terrible show off - also, on Saturday, I told my niece I was texting Father Christmas about how naughty she was and then i pretended to throw her in a wheelie bin and she puked sweets out of her nose.
I am on this thing because I am nosey and vain, not because I am looking for a wife. Also I already went on a weird internet date a couple of years back so I pretty much have this whole thing ticked it off my life goals to do list.
Merry Christmas x
...i had 5 fans the next day so i hid the profile in panic haha I am such a pussy - still, looks like these guardian readers are literally fizzing at the bunghole for a bit of blunt honesty...
Bumper celeb goss pre christmas issue - episode 39
Play > The Crescent - Episode 39 (mp3)
Download > The Crescent - Episode 39 (m4a)
We worrying about whether there will EVEN be gossip magazines next week > go on about the showcase we went to > and find out what celebrities are doing for Christmas and what they will be eating > in particular posh spice who apparently is havin a panic attack about it > Also in the news is > 5 sex dolls getting a christmas makeover > Cheryl and Dannii frock FACE OFF > Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss BATTLE IT OUT on a red carpet > celebrity heavy petting > WHO turned on WHO'S lights? > WE got no top tips but we did get some proper Proper funny problems in 'Ask Tracey' > FLUID COMES OUT (zomg) > and > THRUSTING technique > also we talkin about 3 legged dogs yep.
Playing out with Daddy by Winners
Contact the show? - no one does so if you do you are bound to be on it > tag tweets with #celebz or email us > wicker@sinktherock.org or crispin@sinktherock.org
oh yeh AND now we are on myspace http://www.myspace.com/celebritygossippodcast - iknowright > R-E-T-R-O
big daddy crispmis aint got nuffin on my selection
Weekly celebrity gossip podcast - The Crescent
Cat song
so I was just singing to Janet and a well good poem came out of my mouth - it goes like this...
Jane Jane Jane Jane
what the fuck goes on in your brain?
you cant speak no English
I can't speak no cat
what sort of a basis for friendship is that?
...
You have to sing it in Steve Tyler's voice
Eagles of Death Metal and the cops
Last night I went to see The Eagles of Death Metal in Camden and had too many lager-pops so i got up later that i intended and on the way to work i had my collar felt by mr policeman for bike riding like a drunk loony but he didnt take me to the station or even give me a fine because all the cops are in really good moods because due to all of this terror and that they get to cover their utility vest in weapons and be well important - he had a tazer gun an extendo trunchoen some cs gas and a real gun on a curly string. He says "How tall are you?" I said "6 foot IC1 brown hair blue eyes" - "Have you been in trouble with us bfore Sir?" - "not for aaaages Ossifer" - "Mind if I check that out?" - "Not at all, I am late already, another couple of minutes can't hurt"
I love it when the police are nice about it. Good job I'm white though - you know what the cops are like he'd have probly popped a tazer in my candy-ass.
The End
That Tom
Dear Janet
I want you to stop making romancey eyes at that ginger tom from down the road. I have seen him skulking about the street at night up to all sorts of mischief no doubt. I believe him to be an immeasurable oaf and frankly, he smells.
I hope this does not come between us.
Love from
Crispin
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Project Vanity Update
Welll well well I had more or less abandoned my googlequest until Cass pointed out the other day that I was NUMBER FUCKING ONE - in your face important business man Crispin Read - now when people are googling you they will see my dribbly sweary nonsense instead.
Original post Project Vanity shows how it came to pass - not that getting the crispin read topspot is as difficult or cut throat as say 'travel insurance' but the principals are still the same.
Well done me - now prospective clients and future employers will be able to see what a daft drunk rude idiot they were thinking of employing.
...until they read this.
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Drunk Chrismas Celebrity Gossip > episode 40
Play > The Crescent - Episode 40 (mp3)
Download > The Crescent - Episode 40 (m4a)
Merry Crispmas my gossip loving lovelies x > here is what happened - we goto back from teh pub and then tried to do our podcast drunk as hell - I think we pulled it off but I can't really remember what we talked about - we forgot about Brittany Murphy but we remembered Pete Docherty - I think we shouted alot and wished you all a merry Crispmas especially to our new SHOWBIZ buddies AC the stylist and Carlos.
PLaying out with the skills of Halston - I'm down with Christmas
Contact the show? - no one does so if you do you are bound to be on it > tag tweets with #celebz or email us > wicker@sinktherock.org or crispin@sinktherock.org
twas the night before Crispmas and all through the house
Wicker and Crispin were shouting their pissed up heads off
Weekly celebrity gossip podcast - The Crescent
MOOD
I was in a really bad mood this morning, telling inanimate objects to fuck right off if they touched me. The iron Adam's bike and a chair faced my wrath. I asked Janit why I was so moody - she said "mice" - I don't know what to make of that.
On my way to work I remembered that yesterday I saw a bloke on a mountain bike do a really graceful bunny hop over a little central reservation. I was so jealous I did a little bit of sick in my mouth. So today I was doing feeble 2cm bunny hops all the way to work. I felt a bit like Simon Peg from Spaced on his skateboard in the park but this has now become too important to me to be deterred by anything so trivial as retaining dignity.
