Dear Janit

Dear Janit,

It has been so long since my last correspondence and I only wish this letter could be more a discourse of praise but there follows an issue which simply must be addressed. While I can accept your attitude is almost certainly a response to my recent trips away from home there is now a line in the sand, the crossing of which will not be tolerated.

In these occasional instances of my absence I am prepared to accept being sulked at, ignored and treated with disdain for a day or so upon my return. What i refuse to condone is any sort of misbehavior during my absence. In particular the practice of any toiletry anywhere other than the normal designated areas. I thank the Lord that you didn't return to full dirty protest but still, spending half a penny around and about the place is not an intelligent way to register umbrage or anywhere near approaching a dignified way for a lady to behave.

And, for pity's sake, Wicker's Mother came to stay and was forced to bear witness to the whole sordid episode.

To be perfectly frank, you've let me down, you've let Wicker down and you've let yourself down.

Having said that, I am pleased that your apethetic treatment of me only lasted a few hours and I hope that now we can put this sorry affair behind us.

Kindest Regards

love from

Crispin

Dear Janit,

I really am so pleased with your progression at the sport of fly killing. I think it safe to say that we are now both fully convinced that paws and claws are much better suited to the task in hand than eyes, as we have previously discussed. However, I do still feel that there is slight room for improvement in your technique ~ you see ideally what we are looking for here is a clean quick kill, one in common with and demonstrative of a benevolent and merciful assassin, the likes of which I am sure we can both agree you aspire to be. I would like to remind you that there is no place for torture in our house, we are civilised decent people and I really would like for you to try, at least, to bare that in mind.

In other words, what I am pushing for, is for you to refrain from just biting their wings off and leaving them spinning about the floor like fitting raisens until I come in, the 'clean up man', to chase them about with a tissue.

Warmest regards

Crispin

P.S. Please do not allow my criticism to detract from my praise.

Dear Janit

Catnip, there I said it.

This wont of yours is something we rarely discuss - or should really. However, whilst I fully appreciate that our vices are our own business I feel it only necessary and in good nature to point out that recent weeks have seen your little habit increase to an alarming level. Let us call last night to our attention: when Wicker and I returned from the pub to discover you, sitting on the shelf, gurning your little face off, tongue hanging out, eyes pointing different directions with barely half a smile offsetting your whiskers. And this is not by any means an isolated occurrence - I couldn't hope to count the times in recent weeks that you have been quietly 'off your face' in my company and it appears to be accelerating.

We don't want a repeat of that 'incident' years ago do we? ~ when you did a 25 gram bag in one go while I was at work and couldn't close your mouth or stop looking at the ceiling for a week.

All my love

crispin x

Dear Janit,

I feel it only appropriate that you should receive nothing but the sternest reprimand for your disgraceful behavior in company. I refer explicitly, to our recent visits from Wicker's Mother. At every possible opportunity you acted as a spoiled child, hornswoggling her for extra food, demanding attention, then squirming like an eel when she tried to pick you up and stubornly rebuking any and all displays of actual affection. Also of note was your repeated whinging and whining and sulking and hiding - all this to say nothing of the bare faced lies about our 'starving you for sport'.

She asked me if you were a rescue cat for pity's sake. This conduct will not be tolerated again.

Love always

Crispin

Dear Janit

I have it on good authority that while i was away last week you were caught thre times by Wicker 'Baking Brownies' on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.

I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.

I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.

Dear Janit

Under no circumstances are you ever to lick my eyeball again. I admit that I may have encouraged you somewhat by continuing to pet you as you licked my face but I never expected you to actually lick my eyeball. It sent shivers down my spine as if a hundred people were scratching blackboards and now every time I close my right eye it appears to be raining. I hope to goodness there is no permanent damage or there will be hell to pay.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janet

Exercise is not a swear word

Love from Crispin

Dear Janet

I have reached the end of my tether with regard to your insistence of staring at the wall. You may notice that I have pinned photocopies of poems by Keats, cummings and Larkin as well as some of Shakespeare’s sonnets around the flat at cat eye height.

I am not trying to force poetry upon you but I am aware of how difficult it is for you to turn pages.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janet

I would like to point out that sometimes when you think I am asleep I am not. I can clearly hear you getting up to all sorts of naughtiness such as eating my plants and using my speakers as scratching posts.

I have been compiling a dossier on your actions and we will discuss the ways in which you can recompense at a later date.

Regards

Crispin

P.S. I dread to think what you get up to when we are at work.

Dear Janet

Contrary to your belief Jim does not hate you. There is a plain and valid reason that he neglects to pay you the same attention you so deservedly receive from me and our other housemates. He is allergic to cats. If he were even to stroke you once his eyes would swell up to the size of eggs and he would cry like a little girl thus betraying his macho exterior.

I hope this information goes some way to easing any paranoid thoughts you had and trust that you will not use it for any sort of mischief such as rolling about on his pillow when we are all out at work.