water

As with every monday, I wakes up with the agony of a mis-spent weekend about me - my kidneys are trying to punch their way out of my back, my liver wants a divorce and my mouth tastes like I have been getting off with a shit.

Hence > My Directives for my new healthy lifestyle:

• I will not eat crisps for my tea
  ...in fact I will only eat crisps occasionally, instead of them being my staple foodstuff
• I will do more exercise than just riding about on my bike showing off and doing skids
• I go to bed ABSOLUTELY STONE COLD sober at least three nights a week
• I will eat loads of fish - at least 2 dinners per week (fish-stix with ketchup and mayo squeezy stripes do not count as dinner ...or fish for that matter)
• I will barely ever eat chips
• I will only eat Dixy Chicken in an absolute emergency
• I will eat less bread, when I do eat bread it will be the brown, heavy, expensive kind with bits in that requires chewing.
• OH YEAH > CHEWING ~ I will chew things instead of eating like a stray dog.
• I will eat loads of vegetables (crisps do not count as vegetables).
• I will be eating at least 3 bits of fruit EVERY day.
• Drinking water will cease to become a chore or an emergency.
• I will be mostly drinking whiskey in favour of beer.

AND > this is not 'one step at a time, Martin' this is full on change for life GO GO GO*

*weekends and special occasions permitting.

Dear Janet

I would like you to explain why you insist on drinking the water from my glass beside my bed. You, I’m sure, are full aware that you have your own water in a bowl in the kitchen. You may consider this jovial mischief but frankly you look like an idiot with your face half way down a pint glass and I feel it only fair to point out that you use that same tongue to lick places that I would not. This resultant flavour, however delicate, is one that I would rather not have as an addition to my morning glass of water.

Love from Crispin